I tried so hard to be a part of their world

It makes me sad to think how bad I wanted it. What's worse, the reason I never had it was because my mother was so overprotective when I was growing up, which made me lash out more. What's more is I was desperate for a place in their world that I did everything I could think of. The trick was to try without looking like you're trying. The trick is to pretend you don't give a damn about anything. I couldn't do that. I tried so hard and gave it everything I had and at the end of the day I still fell short of the effortless, obscure world they had created. Their little sphere was never meant for me. I was just the outsider that was given a chance and failed.
I'll still accomplish more than them in life. In the long run, I'll probably be happier than they can fathom. But I'll still have never been a part of what they had. The comradery and the wanting. They're all desired by eachother. Their friendships, fake or real as they may be, are still there and still available to them when need be. How irritating.
To this day I still don't have a tight-knit group of friends. I attribute a lof of it to how difficult women are to befriend. Seriously. If I hadn't been ballsy enough to talk to Baily and SERIOUSLY put myself out there I wouldn't even have her. And thank god I have her or else I'd be so alone.
I have Anthony but he's my boyfriend. Not that that's a small feat, having anthony has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. It's just he's not a casual best friend forever sort of relationship. It's complicated but I know what I mean and really, that's all that matters.

Angsty and Such

Anthony is making fun of me right now. He thinks I should title my blog "my life is a black abyss". Apparently writing in a blog is worse than playing Call of Duty... which he plays alll the time.

Anyway, lately things have been shitty and okay and shitty again.
Baily and I, our shit has hit the fan. That's pretty shitty, no pun intended. I don't think we'll ever be the same again, which really bothers me. I saw her for the first time since our initial blow out (over a week ago) today.
The initial argument spawned from out electric bill, which is under her name. I had turned on the heat for about 2 weeks, never that high, but it did show up on our electric bill as a ~$10 increase. Not a big deal. Baily, however, misread the bill and accused me of raising the bill by over $40. We were still paying our security deposit, which was showing up on the bill, but she didn't take that into account in her analysis of the bill. ANYWAY, she texts me and i text back. Before I knew it we were in quite a vicious fight. She said she hated living with me, that I am disgusting to live with and that she plans on getting a new place next year.
What I don't understand is how she can say I'm disgusting to live with when she doesn't even live at our apartment. Seriously, she just pays bills there and lives at her (mildly retarded) boyfriend's apartment. What's more, the ONLY thing i don't keep fucking spotless around our apartment is the kitchen, and that's never more than a few dishes. The bathroom is always clean, i don't leave hair in the drain or ANYTHING. I don't know how she can say I'm so terrible to live with when she doesn't even know what it's like to live with me! So that went to shit and that's where we are. My mother was right, living with someone changes everything. How unfortunate.
So I saw her today and she said again that she plans on moving out come summer and getting a single in Old School, near Kevin's apartment. She's so stupid, I think it's Kevin's fault too. But mostly her fault because she actually listens to him. Maybe they are right for eachother...
So now I'm down one roommate after moving ALL of my stuff into that double. Seriously, moving in was HUGE because I am the one who supplied all the furnishing for the apartment. A solid oak couch, coffee table and chair with ottomon. It's crazy, and that's just a few pieces of my living room. I still have all the dishes, two dressers, my desk, my bed. Craziness. I don't know if I have it in me to move it all again because I'm going to have to move it all ANYWAY when I graduate. bah.
So Anth and I were brainstorming. Ashley, my roommate from freshman year and a really good friend of mine, lives in the same appartment complex as us right now. I told her (in passing, i might add) that I have to look for a new roommate for next year because Baily has gone AWAL. She said she would be more than happy to move in with me. I'll have to keep that in mind. My only issue with that is all the people she has over all the time. But honestly, I could deal with that and she would ACTUALLY live with me. haha.
Living with Baily is like living alone. Seriously, I didn't sign on for this.
What's more is I don't know WHAT she is thinking. She has absolutely no money anymore, she's a nursing major so she's got SO MUCH work to do and she's talking about working at Ruby's even more. She's so poor, but she has to take out more loans to pay her frat dues for phi iota pie. Living by herself is going to be helllllla expensive.
Sooooo I'm going to cross the whole "omg i have no roommate next year" thing closer to the summer, and our lease doesn't run out until june anyway.
Personally, i wish I could just move in with anthony.... but i know that's not going to happen. First, we may actually kill eachother, if we break up that would just be AWKWARD and that would never fly with my parents... but i think it would be convenient none-the-less.

I had a nice Halloween though. Anthony and I went out the night prior with Ley and company to some party in Berwick. That was a little too intense, and so Halloween night we just stayed in, carved pumpkins and watched a scary movie together. It was a really nice night.
So at least anth and i are doing really well. haha. at least i've got that going for me!

Finally, school. Oh goodness, the educational proccess. I have decided to drop my minor in Biology for the time being... It's going to hurt more than help me. I need my gpa to be amazing, and im too overwhelmed with concepts II right now. And it's only going to get worse. When i'm done my major and i have time i MIGHT go back to finish my minor. maybe. I have 2 exams and a massive lab due this week. fuck my life. seriously. haha. I just want to curl up in a little hole and hibernate for the next 3 years. I contemplate dropping out on a weekly basis. I get really overwhelmed and exhausted.

Thank god I haven't gotten the swine... people are dropping like flies around here. :\
I take a multivitamin gummy, a chewable vitamin C and slow release iron every day :D I am soooo healthy now. It feels good. I'm gaining a little weight though... nothing too intense but I'm just healthy now!

Anthony has finished his COD thing... he went 23 and 2. big deal.

Paz!

It's nice

I don't miss them anymore. I don't envy them anymore.
I was once so so so lonely and wanting anything to be a part of their world again and wishing I hadn't let it all go to waste. Now I don't feel like that anymore. I am perfectly content away from them and their septum piericings and trendy-i-don't-give-a-damn attitutudes. I'm fine! hah!
I looked at her pictures on facebook of their get-togethers and such, these normally make me so sad, but not anymore. I am fine now. How sudden and oh-so rewarding.

I still want to go on an adventure though. I still want to experience more. I'm not in my usual rut, I'm just so sick of college. It's worth it, i need it, but I'm just emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I need a break that I won't take. Maybe I should take off a year before grad school? Maybe two? I don't know, we'll see what happens. Right now, I'm just happy to be where I am and with who I'm with.

I am really happy. I'm not content, I am happy. How very strange a feeling.

I am also wired as all hell and I am procrastinating on my 10 page bio paper. oh lordy.

I'm having another episode

I'm getting stir-crazy and indecisive and anxious once more.

I want to do and to see and to experience so much. I don't think I'll ever be able to accomplish what I want with where I am and what I'm doing now.

I just don't know what to do. I want to get out.

Christine

I am in the library again, giving myself some play time before I have to hit the books - hard. I went to starbucks before hand and got myself a grande nonfat caramel macchiato (i always feel like such a loser when i order them, but they're so darn good!). They asked for my name so they could shout it out when it's ready (college thing i suppose) and so I told them "Kristin", although sometimes I like to give them fake names, just for kicks. Well they wrote it as Christine and pronounced it as such. Luckily, when they shouted it out they also yelled my order (more silly-embarrasment) so I knew it was mine.
Christine was going to be my name, that's why I got Kristin. Don't get me wrong, I love my name but I do wish it was Christine sometimes. It's such a pretty name. My mother's sister, my Aunt Debbie, beat her to it with her first born. It's my grandmother's name.
I don't even remember my Nana's name... this bothers me. She was always "nana".
I kick myself sometimes for not doing my biography from 6th grade on her. I love my grandma, but she's still around. Nana passed away a while ago, I seem to remember 2003, and I never knew all that much about her. I wish i had asked more questions and had more pictures.
I still have the most precious of memories with her, but I just wish i had something tangible. I should be grateful for the time i had with her, this is a bit selfish of me.

Woah, so heavy!

Side note: Nonfat Caramel Macchiato - the only reason i even know of the deliciousness that is the NCM is because of this Youth Group Leader, Melissa from Living Word CC. Back when she and I would go out to talk and such (oh goodness don't get me started...) she used to order them. I think that's the only good thing that came out of those meetings...

Okay, play time is over. Time to HIT THE BOOKS!

The more I think about it

The more I truly, deeply believe everything happens for a reason.

More weddings

I just found out one of my best friends from when I lived in colorado (7 years ago...) is getting married! Holy cow! She was so little last time I saw her, we all were, and now she's engaged to be married this January.
Life is wild.
And it moves so fast.
It's a bit frightening honestly.