I tried so hard to be a part of their world

It makes me sad to think how bad I wanted it. What's worse, the reason I never had it was because my mother was so overprotective when I was growing up, which made me lash out more. What's more is I was desperate for a place in their world that I did everything I could think of. The trick was to try without looking like you're trying. The trick is to pretend you don't give a damn about anything. I couldn't do that. I tried so hard and gave it everything I had and at the end of the day I still fell short of the effortless, obscure world they had created. Their little sphere was never meant for me. I was just the outsider that was given a chance and failed.
I'll still accomplish more than them in life. In the long run, I'll probably be happier than they can fathom. But I'll still have never been a part of what they had. The comradery and the wanting. They're all desired by eachother. Their friendships, fake or real as they may be, are still there and still available to them when need be. How irritating.
To this day I still don't have a tight-knit group of friends. I attribute a lof of it to how difficult women are to befriend. Seriously. If I hadn't been ballsy enough to talk to Baily and SERIOUSLY put myself out there I wouldn't even have her. And thank god I have her or else I'd be so alone.
I have Anthony but he's my boyfriend. Not that that's a small feat, having anthony has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. It's just he's not a casual best friend forever sort of relationship. It's complicated but I know what I mean and really, that's all that matters.

Angsty and Such

Anthony is making fun of me right now. He thinks I should title my blog "my life is a black abyss". Apparently writing in a blog is worse than playing Call of Duty... which he plays alll the time.

Anyway, lately things have been shitty and okay and shitty again.
Baily and I, our shit has hit the fan. That's pretty shitty, no pun intended. I don't think we'll ever be the same again, which really bothers me. I saw her for the first time since our initial blow out (over a week ago) today.
The initial argument spawned from out electric bill, which is under her name. I had turned on the heat for about 2 weeks, never that high, but it did show up on our electric bill as a ~$10 increase. Not a big deal. Baily, however, misread the bill and accused me of raising the bill by over $40. We were still paying our security deposit, which was showing up on the bill, but she didn't take that into account in her analysis of the bill. ANYWAY, she texts me and i text back. Before I knew it we were in quite a vicious fight. She said she hated living with me, that I am disgusting to live with and that she plans on getting a new place next year.
What I don't understand is how she can say I'm disgusting to live with when she doesn't even live at our apartment. Seriously, she just pays bills there and lives at her (mildly retarded) boyfriend's apartment. What's more, the ONLY thing i don't keep fucking spotless around our apartment is the kitchen, and that's never more than a few dishes. The bathroom is always clean, i don't leave hair in the drain or ANYTHING. I don't know how she can say I'm so terrible to live with when she doesn't even know what it's like to live with me! So that went to shit and that's where we are. My mother was right, living with someone changes everything. How unfortunate.
So I saw her today and she said again that she plans on moving out come summer and getting a single in Old School, near Kevin's apartment. She's so stupid, I think it's Kevin's fault too. But mostly her fault because she actually listens to him. Maybe they are right for eachother...
So now I'm down one roommate after moving ALL of my stuff into that double. Seriously, moving in was HUGE because I am the one who supplied all the furnishing for the apartment. A solid oak couch, coffee table and chair with ottomon. It's crazy, and that's just a few pieces of my living room. I still have all the dishes, two dressers, my desk, my bed. Craziness. I don't know if I have it in me to move it all again because I'm going to have to move it all ANYWAY when I graduate. bah.
So Anth and I were brainstorming. Ashley, my roommate from freshman year and a really good friend of mine, lives in the same appartment complex as us right now. I told her (in passing, i might add) that I have to look for a new roommate for next year because Baily has gone AWAL. She said she would be more than happy to move in with me. I'll have to keep that in mind. My only issue with that is all the people she has over all the time. But honestly, I could deal with that and she would ACTUALLY live with me. haha.
Living with Baily is like living alone. Seriously, I didn't sign on for this.
What's more is I don't know WHAT she is thinking. She has absolutely no money anymore, she's a nursing major so she's got SO MUCH work to do and she's talking about working at Ruby's even more. She's so poor, but she has to take out more loans to pay her frat dues for phi iota pie. Living by herself is going to be helllllla expensive.
Sooooo I'm going to cross the whole "omg i have no roommate next year" thing closer to the summer, and our lease doesn't run out until june anyway.
Personally, i wish I could just move in with anthony.... but i know that's not going to happen. First, we may actually kill eachother, if we break up that would just be AWKWARD and that would never fly with my parents... but i think it would be convenient none-the-less.

I had a nice Halloween though. Anthony and I went out the night prior with Ley and company to some party in Berwick. That was a little too intense, and so Halloween night we just stayed in, carved pumpkins and watched a scary movie together. It was a really nice night.
So at least anth and i are doing really well. haha. at least i've got that going for me!

Finally, school. Oh goodness, the educational proccess. I have decided to drop my minor in Biology for the time being... It's going to hurt more than help me. I need my gpa to be amazing, and im too overwhelmed with concepts II right now. And it's only going to get worse. When i'm done my major and i have time i MIGHT go back to finish my minor. maybe. I have 2 exams and a massive lab due this week. fuck my life. seriously. haha. I just want to curl up in a little hole and hibernate for the next 3 years. I contemplate dropping out on a weekly basis. I get really overwhelmed and exhausted.

Thank god I haven't gotten the swine... people are dropping like flies around here. :\
I take a multivitamin gummy, a chewable vitamin C and slow release iron every day :D I am soooo healthy now. It feels good. I'm gaining a little weight though... nothing too intense but I'm just healthy now!

Anthony has finished his COD thing... he went 23 and 2. big deal.

Paz!

It's nice

I don't miss them anymore. I don't envy them anymore.
I was once so so so lonely and wanting anything to be a part of their world again and wishing I hadn't let it all go to waste. Now I don't feel like that anymore. I am perfectly content away from them and their septum piericings and trendy-i-don't-give-a-damn attitutudes. I'm fine! hah!
I looked at her pictures on facebook of their get-togethers and such, these normally make me so sad, but not anymore. I am fine now. How sudden and oh-so rewarding.

I still want to go on an adventure though. I still want to experience more. I'm not in my usual rut, I'm just so sick of college. It's worth it, i need it, but I'm just emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I need a break that I won't take. Maybe I should take off a year before grad school? Maybe two? I don't know, we'll see what happens. Right now, I'm just happy to be where I am and with who I'm with.

I am really happy. I'm not content, I am happy. How very strange a feeling.

I am also wired as all hell and I am procrastinating on my 10 page bio paper. oh lordy.

I'm having another episode

I'm getting stir-crazy and indecisive and anxious once more.

I want to do and to see and to experience so much. I don't think I'll ever be able to accomplish what I want with where I am and what I'm doing now.

I just don't know what to do. I want to get out.

Christine

I am in the library again, giving myself some play time before I have to hit the books - hard. I went to starbucks before hand and got myself a grande nonfat caramel macchiato (i always feel like such a loser when i order them, but they're so darn good!). They asked for my name so they could shout it out when it's ready (college thing i suppose) and so I told them "Kristin", although sometimes I like to give them fake names, just for kicks. Well they wrote it as Christine and pronounced it as such. Luckily, when they shouted it out they also yelled my order (more silly-embarrasment) so I knew it was mine.
Christine was going to be my name, that's why I got Kristin. Don't get me wrong, I love my name but I do wish it was Christine sometimes. It's such a pretty name. My mother's sister, my Aunt Debbie, beat her to it with her first born. It's my grandmother's name.
I don't even remember my Nana's name... this bothers me. She was always "nana".
I kick myself sometimes for not doing my biography from 6th grade on her. I love my grandma, but she's still around. Nana passed away a while ago, I seem to remember 2003, and I never knew all that much about her. I wish i had asked more questions and had more pictures.
I still have the most precious of memories with her, but I just wish i had something tangible. I should be grateful for the time i had with her, this is a bit selfish of me.

Woah, so heavy!

Side note: Nonfat Caramel Macchiato - the only reason i even know of the deliciousness that is the NCM is because of this Youth Group Leader, Melissa from Living Word CC. Back when she and I would go out to talk and such (oh goodness don't get me started...) she used to order them. I think that's the only good thing that came out of those meetings...

Okay, play time is over. Time to HIT THE BOOKS!

The more I think about it

The more I truly, deeply believe everything happens for a reason.

More weddings

I just found out one of my best friends from when I lived in colorado (7 years ago...) is getting married! Holy cow! She was so little last time I saw her, we all were, and now she's engaged to be married this January.
Life is wild.
And it moves so fast.
It's a bit frightening honestly.

I know I know

I never update anymore, but I can't help it! School has started back up (well... almost a month ago now...) and I am just so busy! I'm working at Ruby Tuesday and juggling 16 credits, not to mention my new bills that seem to just keep coming and a rather rambunctious boyfriend.

Which reminds me, Mike and Mariah's wedding was last weekend! It was absolutely wonderful, I wish I could just blog my heart out about that one. It was a beautiful wedding, the people were just too kind and Anthony gave an amazing best man speech. We danced and drank and were very merry all day and into the wee morning hours.
Mike and Mariah left on their Sandals honeymoon to somewhere in the Caribbean on Monday this week. Lucky ducks.

Classes are going well, or as well as can they can be. It's my second year here and it's still hella hard! You'd think things would get easier.

Working at Ruby's is okay but not by any means great. I make a decent amount of money and the people I meet are fantastic. It's the people I work with that are not-so-stellar. I mean, I don't care that they don't talk to me or put in any effort to be friendly. That doesn't bother me, hello I have moved 3489173 times and I'm used to it. It's when they're just rude I can't stand. Plus my managers don't listen... I'm still being over scheduled! I hate being "that girl" that's constantly complaining to the managers, but I can't work my entire weekend and twice that week and still have time for my school work! Here we go again... I wish there was an olive garden near by....

Plus, I forked over my licence to the state 2 weeks ago on Thursday. I should be getting it back this Friday, but I haven't received any notification that they've even received it. I'm getting rather annoyed.
Well I'm going home for nicole's 18th birthday (!!!) next weekend, so I'm going to have to take a trip into the DMV and have a little chit-chat with whoever will listen about my license. Bah.

What else... Well the apartment is nice. I had my landlord put new floors in our kitchen and bathroom (because the other ones would come up when you stepped on them... gross) and that looks really nice.

Bamboo is doing terrific! I love my little hamham. We've bonded and I am now a good mommy again. :D

Ant and I are fantastic. We've made plans for our 1 year in Hershey at the Hershey Lodge. It's going to be an adorable little weekend. December 4th!!!

I don't know if there's much else. I have to dash and meet Anth after is class now. We walk back to the apartment together MWF. Plus he's been driving me to work, which he'll have to do at 4:45 today... Plus I kinda sorta skipped out on my Anthropology class today, which is why i even have the time to write this! Slacker!

Okay, well toodles!

Rut

I have finally gotten my summer sickness, and let me tell you it is absolutely no fun. I'm hiding out in Anth's apartment because mine is far too hot. He's out doing God knows what and I am here...

I feel like my life is slipping in to some sort of monotony. I don't have a whole lot to do besides work and manage relationships.
I need school to start back up. I need more to do. I need to be stressed and busy and neurotic. Ruby Tuesday and boyfriend antics just aren't cutting it for me.

Little girl, big farm

I'm in upstate New York at the grandparent's house for the weekend. Nicole gets to have her graduation party with the entire family. Oh god, the things I don't feel like dealing with. I miss everyone and it's really great to be here, but it's just so much and I'm so tired.
I miss my Anthony...

Bamboo and Apartment Photoshoot!

I am in anth's apartment to steal his internet and upload these photos!!!

Bamboo:

My Room:

The rest of the apartment:

New apartment and new friend!

This last week has been a blur!!! I apologize for not writing, not like anyone reads this but it's the principle. Anywho, I moved into the apartment on Sunday!!! YAY APARTMENT! It's fantastic, everything looks like a log cabbin right now, I LOVE IT!!! It took me forever to get unpacked and I'm still not really done. There are still some boxes and I need to keep cleaning. It's just so DRAINING doing all this cleaning and unpacking and such. I take many-a-needed break.
I would post pictures (that i have already took) but my internet connection is oh-so-slow because i'm stealing anth's internet.... :(

WELL i've also found a new friend. Her name is bamboo and she's a panda bear hamster! My mother gave me a hermit crab cage she was given from somewhere or another. Anth and i went to the pet store (petco - give credit where credit is due) and i looked at the hermit crabs, with every intention of buying one. The problem was i just couldn't get into it. They're ugly... and expensive. The research i did showed they are expensive, ugly and rather mean little crustacians. I can't get into it no matter how hard i try.
Then i looked at the hamsters. Then I saw bamboo. Then I fell in love. She is the most adorable little ham ever. She looks just like a mini panda!!! We did a photo shoot, but I don't think blogger is going to let me upload that either. damn internet connection.

I got her yesterday and she has already peed on me twice, once in the store and again on my pillow :(((
She's very mellow but she's also very shy. She doesn't do a whole lot and she won't accept food from me... I suppose I am rushing things a bit, but i didn't know any better. I did my research today and now i know what her deal is. I have to leave her alone for a little bit. :\

She's just so darn cute I want to cuddle her!!!

bah

the black dress i was planning to wear to mike and mariah's wedding (anth's brother and soon-to-be sister in-law) is FAR too showy. I don't know why i even bought the damn thing. >:[

back to square one...

A quck to-do, a video and i need to sleep!

To Do Tomorrow:
- Clean the bedroom
- Go to corner stables (dun dun dun)
- Go to Ruby Tuesday for my paycheck (yay training on minimum wage!)
- Hit the mall with the sister and mother
- Fill out the big brother/ big sister forms
- MAIL THE BIG BROTHER/ BIG SISTER FORMS!
- Go to walmart (boo)
- Ulta again? oooo pretty pallets
- start taking my vitamins...
- laundry?!

-------------------------------------------------------

Here's a video from the beach! I completely forgot about it! I was creeping my pictures from that weekend and I found it!

Just so you know, I was at the beach all week without product and without a flat irion so i am all natural. Plus, I don't wear makeup around anthony. Also, I can't open my eyes in the morning. I am the farthest thing from a morning person, i have no shame. It's a process for me to wake up. Anthony, however, is a freak and has absolutely no problem waking up and exploiting yours truly.

This is what I woke up to:

I do love him though. Promise.

Passing out now. PAZ!

real quick, i promise

<<<<- Yes, that is me fresh from the shower, no makeup, no product, no nothin' (it proves a point, trust me)

I made a hair apointment last week for tomorrow... I was of the understanding that i needed a new haircut. My hair is now all one length and long. I wanted to get it all layered with a side bang. I wanted a lot of layers with the primary focus on my crown, while keeping my length and giving me a side bang. I really liked the idea. As soon as I brought it up to my mother, she said I shouldn't because my hair looks nice the way it is now and I'll regret it later. I brought it up to my (very liberal, very artistic) sister and she said the same thing. Apparently everyone thinks my hair is just splendid the way it is!

I gave up because ultimately they're probably right. I just get bored too fast. I gave the damn apointment to my sister because she wanted one anyway. It's irritating though, I really do want to do something new to my appearance.
I have been looking into new makeup and hair techniques. I'm not a huge makeup person because every man I've dated (okay, so anth is the only "man" i've dated, the rest were young-buck highschool boys) has said that I look better without makeup and that I'm better without it. Seriously. I mean, it's nice not to have to buy cosmetics all the time or put effort into my face and not rubbing my face along anything or rubbing my eyes (which i do a lot), but i miss making myself look pretty TO ME.
I'm not trying to pick up other men or draw attention to myself, it's just I feel more confident and more attractive when I'm wearing makeup. Same goes for when i do my hair. I just feel better and more put together when i'm all done up. Plus, i really like what you can do with makeup.

ANYWAY, that brings me to part two of my thought process today. I would really like to be a makeup artist. I think it would be a really fun career. Granted, I'm not the most artistically-gifted person you've ever met and I have never been really into makeup, but i think it's a really cool concept. Maybe more of a hobby for me, considering my current career goals and college coursework toward speech therapy... but maybe down the road.
Or maybe if i have another oops...

That's been killing me lately too.

So anyway, CHINCHILLAS! Well actually, cats. I want a cat soooo badly. I finally have an apartment and therefore i can actually get a cat. they're low-maintainance and so ridiculously cute. SPCA hands them out! Plus I can baby mine into oblivion and i will finally have something to mother instead of my poor friends!!!
Sadly, however, anthony is very allergic. :((( Cat dander makes him 4372102039275235 kinds of stuffy and thus, very very irritable. If there's anything I've learned in the last 10 months with anthony, you don't want him irritable.

--------------------------------------------
side note: thing that make anthony irritable
- being sick
- any weakness for that matter
- when he is hungry
- when he is in traffic
- when i mother him... D:
- walmart
--------------------------------------------

So i can't get a cat because i love boyfriend and it would be a great loss if he couldn't come to my apartment. :((
We were looking into hairless cats, but they cost anywhere from $1300-$1600, and that's without a pedigree.
So no kitty for Kristin. I was also looking into a Holland Lop Bunny! I had bunnylove for a good month back in march and anth almost got me a bunny for my birthday. Problems here: they are soooo smelly and i don't know if my apartment can handle it. :(((
I almost want a guinea pig again - ginger was fantastic. Only, same problem. So very smelly.
I love chinchillas.

So now i am pet-less. I will have to settle with anthony as my only furry friend. He'll just have to do i suppose.

trouble trouble trouble

So Ruby Tuesday has me scheduled twice a day through sunday. This actually made me quite happy.

BUUUUUT then my car died.
:: Correction, my sister killed it. She turned on the AC by accident somehow, after taking the fucking keys with her and driving it to Ruby's for me yesterday while I scrambled to find a ride to work.
When you turn the AC on in the van, it won't start the next time you try to use it. Usually a battery shake fixes this, but not this time. For some unknown reason, it won't work AT ALL now. It wouldn't start yesterday after work and my dad had to pick me up and it wouldn't start this morning. It's still in the fucking parking lot.

I'm really really irritated right now.
Plus I've been having nightmares about completely unrelated incidents.

oh goodness

Just take it one day at a time.
Planning everything is exhausting
and more often just frustrating.

Grad School

So apparently Temple University is second in the state for Speech-Language Pathology in their graduate studies. INTERESTING!

Movies that need to be seen

Dolls
Amelie
Hope Floats
Sunrise and Sunset
Philadelphia Story
You've Got Mail
Sleepless in Seatle
Tristan and Isolde
Sideways
As Good As It Gets
Un homme et une femme
PS. I Love You
All The Real Girls
When Harry Met Sally
Sleepless in Seatle
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Slumdog Millionaire

A photographic montage of my favorite things