Angsty and Such

Anthony is making fun of me right now. He thinks I should title my blog "my life is a black abyss". Apparently writing in a blog is worse than playing Call of Duty... which he plays alll the time.

Anyway, lately things have been shitty and okay and shitty again.
Baily and I, our shit has hit the fan. That's pretty shitty, no pun intended. I don't think we'll ever be the same again, which really bothers me. I saw her for the first time since our initial blow out (over a week ago) today.
The initial argument spawned from out electric bill, which is under her name. I had turned on the heat for about 2 weeks, never that high, but it did show up on our electric bill as a ~$10 increase. Not a big deal. Baily, however, misread the bill and accused me of raising the bill by over $40. We were still paying our security deposit, which was showing up on the bill, but she didn't take that into account in her analysis of the bill. ANYWAY, she texts me and i text back. Before I knew it we were in quite a vicious fight. She said she hated living with me, that I am disgusting to live with and that she plans on getting a new place next year.
What I don't understand is how she can say I'm disgusting to live with when she doesn't even live at our apartment. Seriously, she just pays bills there and lives at her (mildly retarded) boyfriend's apartment. What's more, the ONLY thing i don't keep fucking spotless around our apartment is the kitchen, and that's never more than a few dishes. The bathroom is always clean, i don't leave hair in the drain or ANYTHING. I don't know how she can say I'm so terrible to live with when she doesn't even know what it's like to live with me! So that went to shit and that's where we are. My mother was right, living with someone changes everything. How unfortunate.
So I saw her today and she said again that she plans on moving out come summer and getting a single in Old School, near Kevin's apartment. She's so stupid, I think it's Kevin's fault too. But mostly her fault because she actually listens to him. Maybe they are right for eachother...
So now I'm down one roommate after moving ALL of my stuff into that double. Seriously, moving in was HUGE because I am the one who supplied all the furnishing for the apartment. A solid oak couch, coffee table and chair with ottomon. It's crazy, and that's just a few pieces of my living room. I still have all the dishes, two dressers, my desk, my bed. Craziness. I don't know if I have it in me to move it all again because I'm going to have to move it all ANYWAY when I graduate. bah.
So Anth and I were brainstorming. Ashley, my roommate from freshman year and a really good friend of mine, lives in the same appartment complex as us right now. I told her (in passing, i might add) that I have to look for a new roommate for next year because Baily has gone AWAL. She said she would be more than happy to move in with me. I'll have to keep that in mind. My only issue with that is all the people she has over all the time. But honestly, I could deal with that and she would ACTUALLY live with me. haha.
Living with Baily is like living alone. Seriously, I didn't sign on for this.
What's more is I don't know WHAT she is thinking. She has absolutely no money anymore, she's a nursing major so she's got SO MUCH work to do and she's talking about working at Ruby's even more. She's so poor, but she has to take out more loans to pay her frat dues for phi iota pie. Living by herself is going to be helllllla expensive.
Sooooo I'm going to cross the whole "omg i have no roommate next year" thing closer to the summer, and our lease doesn't run out until june anyway.
Personally, i wish I could just move in with anthony.... but i know that's not going to happen. First, we may actually kill eachother, if we break up that would just be AWKWARD and that would never fly with my parents... but i think it would be convenient none-the-less.

I had a nice Halloween though. Anthony and I went out the night prior with Ley and company to some party in Berwick. That was a little too intense, and so Halloween night we just stayed in, carved pumpkins and watched a scary movie together. It was a really nice night.
So at least anth and i are doing really well. haha. at least i've got that going for me!

Finally, school. Oh goodness, the educational proccess. I have decided to drop my minor in Biology for the time being... It's going to hurt more than help me. I need my gpa to be amazing, and im too overwhelmed with concepts II right now. And it's only going to get worse. When i'm done my major and i have time i MIGHT go back to finish my minor. maybe. I have 2 exams and a massive lab due this week. fuck my life. seriously. haha. I just want to curl up in a little hole and hibernate for the next 3 years. I contemplate dropping out on a weekly basis. I get really overwhelmed and exhausted.

Thank god I haven't gotten the swine... people are dropping like flies around here. :\
I take a multivitamin gummy, a chewable vitamin C and slow release iron every day :D I am soooo healthy now. It feels good. I'm gaining a little weight though... nothing too intense but I'm just healthy now!

Anthony has finished his COD thing... he went 23 and 2. big deal.

Paz!

It's nice

I don't miss them anymore. I don't envy them anymore.
I was once so so so lonely and wanting anything to be a part of their world again and wishing I hadn't let it all go to waste. Now I don't feel like that anymore. I am perfectly content away from them and their septum piericings and trendy-i-don't-give-a-damn attitutudes. I'm fine! hah!
I looked at her pictures on facebook of their get-togethers and such, these normally make me so sad, but not anymore. I am fine now. How sudden and oh-so rewarding.

I still want to go on an adventure though. I still want to experience more. I'm not in my usual rut, I'm just so sick of college. It's worth it, i need it, but I'm just emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I need a break that I won't take. Maybe I should take off a year before grad school? Maybe two? I don't know, we'll see what happens. Right now, I'm just happy to be where I am and with who I'm with.

I am really happy. I'm not content, I am happy. How very strange a feeling.

I am also wired as all hell and I am procrastinating on my 10 page bio paper. oh lordy.

I'm having another episode

I'm getting stir-crazy and indecisive and anxious once more.

I want to do and to see and to experience so much. I don't think I'll ever be able to accomplish what I want with where I am and what I'm doing now.

I just don't know what to do. I want to get out.

Christine

I am in the library again, giving myself some play time before I have to hit the books - hard. I went to starbucks before hand and got myself a grande nonfat caramel macchiato (i always feel like such a loser when i order them, but they're so darn good!). They asked for my name so they could shout it out when it's ready (college thing i suppose) and so I told them "Kristin", although sometimes I like to give them fake names, just for kicks. Well they wrote it as Christine and pronounced it as such. Luckily, when they shouted it out they also yelled my order (more silly-embarrasment) so I knew it was mine.
Christine was going to be my name, that's why I got Kristin. Don't get me wrong, I love my name but I do wish it was Christine sometimes. It's such a pretty name. My mother's sister, my Aunt Debbie, beat her to it with her first born. It's my grandmother's name.
I don't even remember my Nana's name... this bothers me. She was always "nana".
I kick myself sometimes for not doing my biography from 6th grade on her. I love my grandma, but she's still around. Nana passed away a while ago, I seem to remember 2003, and I never knew all that much about her. I wish i had asked more questions and had more pictures.
I still have the most precious of memories with her, but I just wish i had something tangible. I should be grateful for the time i had with her, this is a bit selfish of me.

Woah, so heavy!

Side note: Nonfat Caramel Macchiato - the only reason i even know of the deliciousness that is the NCM is because of this Youth Group Leader, Melissa from Living Word CC. Back when she and I would go out to talk and such (oh goodness don't get me started...) she used to order them. I think that's the only good thing that came out of those meetings...

Okay, play time is over. Time to HIT THE BOOKS!

The more I think about it

The more I truly, deeply believe everything happens for a reason.

More weddings

I just found out one of my best friends from when I lived in colorado (7 years ago...) is getting married! Holy cow! She was so little last time I saw her, we all were, and now she's engaged to be married this January.
Life is wild.
And it moves so fast.
It's a bit frightening honestly.

I know I know

I never update anymore, but I can't help it! School has started back up (well... almost a month ago now...) and I am just so busy! I'm working at Ruby Tuesday and juggling 16 credits, not to mention my new bills that seem to just keep coming and a rather rambunctious boyfriend.

Which reminds me, Mike and Mariah's wedding was last weekend! It was absolutely wonderful, I wish I could just blog my heart out about that one. It was a beautiful wedding, the people were just too kind and Anthony gave an amazing best man speech. We danced and drank and were very merry all day and into the wee morning hours.
Mike and Mariah left on their Sandals honeymoon to somewhere in the Caribbean on Monday this week. Lucky ducks.

Classes are going well, or as well as can they can be. It's my second year here and it's still hella hard! You'd think things would get easier.

Working at Ruby's is okay but not by any means great. I make a decent amount of money and the people I meet are fantastic. It's the people I work with that are not-so-stellar. I mean, I don't care that they don't talk to me or put in any effort to be friendly. That doesn't bother me, hello I have moved 3489173 times and I'm used to it. It's when they're just rude I can't stand. Plus my managers don't listen... I'm still being over scheduled! I hate being "that girl" that's constantly complaining to the managers, but I can't work my entire weekend and twice that week and still have time for my school work! Here we go again... I wish there was an olive garden near by....

Plus, I forked over my licence to the state 2 weeks ago on Thursday. I should be getting it back this Friday, but I haven't received any notification that they've even received it. I'm getting rather annoyed.
Well I'm going home for nicole's 18th birthday (!!!) next weekend, so I'm going to have to take a trip into the DMV and have a little chit-chat with whoever will listen about my license. Bah.

What else... Well the apartment is nice. I had my landlord put new floors in our kitchen and bathroom (because the other ones would come up when you stepped on them... gross) and that looks really nice.

Bamboo is doing terrific! I love my little hamham. We've bonded and I am now a good mommy again. :D

Ant and I are fantastic. We've made plans for our 1 year in Hershey at the Hershey Lodge. It's going to be an adorable little weekend. December 4th!!!

I don't know if there's much else. I have to dash and meet Anth after is class now. We walk back to the apartment together MWF. Plus he's been driving me to work, which he'll have to do at 4:45 today... Plus I kinda sorta skipped out on my Anthropology class today, which is why i even have the time to write this! Slacker!

Okay, well toodles!

Rut

I have finally gotten my summer sickness, and let me tell you it is absolutely no fun. I'm hiding out in Anth's apartment because mine is far too hot. He's out doing God knows what and I am here...

I feel like my life is slipping in to some sort of monotony. I don't have a whole lot to do besides work and manage relationships.
I need school to start back up. I need more to do. I need to be stressed and busy and neurotic. Ruby Tuesday and boyfriend antics just aren't cutting it for me.

Little girl, big farm

I'm in upstate New York at the grandparent's house for the weekend. Nicole gets to have her graduation party with the entire family. Oh god, the things I don't feel like dealing with. I miss everyone and it's really great to be here, but it's just so much and I'm so tired.
I miss my Anthony...

Bamboo and Apartment Photoshoot!

I am in anth's apartment to steal his internet and upload these photos!!!

Bamboo:

My Room:

The rest of the apartment:

New apartment and new friend!

This last week has been a blur!!! I apologize for not writing, not like anyone reads this but it's the principle. Anywho, I moved into the apartment on Sunday!!! YAY APARTMENT! It's fantastic, everything looks like a log cabbin right now, I LOVE IT!!! It took me forever to get unpacked and I'm still not really done. There are still some boxes and I need to keep cleaning. It's just so DRAINING doing all this cleaning and unpacking and such. I take many-a-needed break.
I would post pictures (that i have already took) but my internet connection is oh-so-slow because i'm stealing anth's internet.... :(

WELL i've also found a new friend. Her name is bamboo and she's a panda bear hamster! My mother gave me a hermit crab cage she was given from somewhere or another. Anth and i went to the pet store (petco - give credit where credit is due) and i looked at the hermit crabs, with every intention of buying one. The problem was i just couldn't get into it. They're ugly... and expensive. The research i did showed they are expensive, ugly and rather mean little crustacians. I can't get into it no matter how hard i try.
Then i looked at the hamsters. Then I saw bamboo. Then I fell in love. She is the most adorable little ham ever. She looks just like a mini panda!!! We did a photo shoot, but I don't think blogger is going to let me upload that either. damn internet connection.

I got her yesterday and she has already peed on me twice, once in the store and again on my pillow :(((
She's very mellow but she's also very shy. She doesn't do a whole lot and she won't accept food from me... I suppose I am rushing things a bit, but i didn't know any better. I did my research today and now i know what her deal is. I have to leave her alone for a little bit. :\

She's just so darn cute I want to cuddle her!!!

bah

the black dress i was planning to wear to mike and mariah's wedding (anth's brother and soon-to-be sister in-law) is FAR too showy. I don't know why i even bought the damn thing. >:[

back to square one...

A quck to-do, a video and i need to sleep!

To Do Tomorrow:
- Clean the bedroom
- Go to corner stables (dun dun dun)
- Go to Ruby Tuesday for my paycheck (yay training on minimum wage!)
- Hit the mall with the sister and mother
- Fill out the big brother/ big sister forms
- MAIL THE BIG BROTHER/ BIG SISTER FORMS!
- Go to walmart (boo)
- Ulta again? oooo pretty pallets
- start taking my vitamins...
- laundry?!

-------------------------------------------------------

Here's a video from the beach! I completely forgot about it! I was creeping my pictures from that weekend and I found it!

Just so you know, I was at the beach all week without product and without a flat irion so i am all natural. Plus, I don't wear makeup around anthony. Also, I can't open my eyes in the morning. I am the farthest thing from a morning person, i have no shame. It's a process for me to wake up. Anthony, however, is a freak and has absolutely no problem waking up and exploiting yours truly.

This is what I woke up to:

I do love him though. Promise.

Passing out now. PAZ!

real quick, i promise

<<<<- Yes, that is me fresh from the shower, no makeup, no product, no nothin' (it proves a point, trust me)

I made a hair apointment last week for tomorrow... I was of the understanding that i needed a new haircut. My hair is now all one length and long. I wanted to get it all layered with a side bang. I wanted a lot of layers with the primary focus on my crown, while keeping my length and giving me a side bang. I really liked the idea. As soon as I brought it up to my mother, she said I shouldn't because my hair looks nice the way it is now and I'll regret it later. I brought it up to my (very liberal, very artistic) sister and she said the same thing. Apparently everyone thinks my hair is just splendid the way it is!

I gave up because ultimately they're probably right. I just get bored too fast. I gave the damn apointment to my sister because she wanted one anyway. It's irritating though, I really do want to do something new to my appearance.
I have been looking into new makeup and hair techniques. I'm not a huge makeup person because every man I've dated (okay, so anth is the only "man" i've dated, the rest were young-buck highschool boys) has said that I look better without makeup and that I'm better without it. Seriously. I mean, it's nice not to have to buy cosmetics all the time or put effort into my face and not rubbing my face along anything or rubbing my eyes (which i do a lot), but i miss making myself look pretty TO ME.
I'm not trying to pick up other men or draw attention to myself, it's just I feel more confident and more attractive when I'm wearing makeup. Same goes for when i do my hair. I just feel better and more put together when i'm all done up. Plus, i really like what you can do with makeup.

ANYWAY, that brings me to part two of my thought process today. I would really like to be a makeup artist. I think it would be a really fun career. Granted, I'm not the most artistically-gifted person you've ever met and I have never been really into makeup, but i think it's a really cool concept. Maybe more of a hobby for me, considering my current career goals and college coursework toward speech therapy... but maybe down the road.
Or maybe if i have another oops...

That's been killing me lately too.

So anyway, CHINCHILLAS! Well actually, cats. I want a cat soooo badly. I finally have an apartment and therefore i can actually get a cat. they're low-maintainance and so ridiculously cute. SPCA hands them out! Plus I can baby mine into oblivion and i will finally have something to mother instead of my poor friends!!!
Sadly, however, anthony is very allergic. :((( Cat dander makes him 4372102039275235 kinds of stuffy and thus, very very irritable. If there's anything I've learned in the last 10 months with anthony, you don't want him irritable.

--------------------------------------------
side note: thing that make anthony irritable
- being sick
- any weakness for that matter
- when he is hungry
- when he is in traffic
- when i mother him... D:
- walmart
--------------------------------------------

So i can't get a cat because i love boyfriend and it would be a great loss if he couldn't come to my apartment. :((
We were looking into hairless cats, but they cost anywhere from $1300-$1600, and that's without a pedigree.
So no kitty for Kristin. I was also looking into a Holland Lop Bunny! I had bunnylove for a good month back in march and anth almost got me a bunny for my birthday. Problems here: they are soooo smelly and i don't know if my apartment can handle it. :(((
I almost want a guinea pig again - ginger was fantastic. Only, same problem. So very smelly.
I love chinchillas.

So now i am pet-less. I will have to settle with anthony as my only furry friend. He'll just have to do i suppose.

trouble trouble trouble

So Ruby Tuesday has me scheduled twice a day through sunday. This actually made me quite happy.

BUUUUUT then my car died.
:: Correction, my sister killed it. She turned on the AC by accident somehow, after taking the fucking keys with her and driving it to Ruby's for me yesterday while I scrambled to find a ride to work.
When you turn the AC on in the van, it won't start the next time you try to use it. Usually a battery shake fixes this, but not this time. For some unknown reason, it won't work AT ALL now. It wouldn't start yesterday after work and my dad had to pick me up and it wouldn't start this morning. It's still in the fucking parking lot.

I'm really really irritated right now.
Plus I've been having nightmares about completely unrelated incidents.

oh goodness

Just take it one day at a time.
Planning everything is exhausting
and more often just frustrating.

Grad School

So apparently Temple University is second in the state for Speech-Language Pathology in their graduate studies. INTERESTING!

Movies that need to be seen

Dolls
Amelie
Hope Floats
Sunrise and Sunset
Philadelphia Story
You've Got Mail
Sleepless in Seatle
Tristan and Isolde
Sideways
As Good As It Gets
Un homme et une femme
PS. I Love You
All The Real Girls
When Harry Met Sally
Sleepless in Seatle
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Slumdog Millionaire

A photographic montage of my favorite things

what a nut-case

I have really bad anxiety, ask anyone who knows me.
I'm a neurotic mess. Seriously.

Not all the time, just about certain things. I would like to think I'm not a complete nut-job.

I am a mother-hen. Anthony likes to call me an old lady. Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable and a little sad, I am really trying to be more... youthful. I mean, I'm only 19.

I can't help it though. I have to make sure the ones I love are safe, whether it be in the short-term with sunscreen or in the long-term with their credit score.

I worry about everything, and I plan out everything. I have legitimately gotten better at that though, I don't plan EVERYTHING anymore. I don't plan anything in regard to Anthony and I anymore, I just hope for the best. haha.

I do plan everything else though... I know how I'm going to pay for utilities, toiletries and extras come this semester. I know what classes I'm going to take... for the next 3 years. I am looking into graduate schools. I'm looking at places that will pay for my graduate school, which means I'm looking at places I would be okay with settling down in which means I'm already looking at how the area is and the school districts there and the crime rate and if there are parks. I mean, I look at every little detail. It all spider-webs out for me.

I think this is why I have anxiety.

I'm trying to live in the moment though. What I do now, as long as it's not going to affect me in the long-run, I do without overanalyzing. At least, I try.

I feel like i have hidden motives that I'm not even aware of.

I don't mind though because I know 5 years from now I'm going to be where I want with who I want doing what I want. I'm going to be so happy.

cars

i'm looking into getting a car.

5 Best Cars to Buy College Students

BEST VALUE: 2008 Mazda3
MSRP: $14,645
Fuel economy: 24 mpg city / 32 mpg highway

SAFEST: 2008 Subaru Impreza
MSRP: $17,640
Fuel economy: 20 mpg city / 27 mpg highway

BEST FUEL ECONOMY: 2008 Ford Focus
MSRP: $15,065
Fuel economy: 24 mpg city / 35 mpg highway

MOST RELIABLE: 2008 Honda Fit
MSRP: $14,620
Fuel economy: 28 mpg city / 34 mpg highway

COOLEST: 2008 Volkswagen Rabbit
MSRP: $16,250
Fuel economy: 22 mpg city / 29 mpg highway

---------------------------------------------------

Toyota Prius & Honda Accord

---------------------------------------------------

Beach Time

I haven't been to the beach in almost five years and i've lived on the east coast for eight. I know, it's tragic.



Anyway, this last weekend i went to Ocean City Maryland with Anth and his family. It's a lot to go through and I don't like to do the play-by-play, so I'll just say i had a great time. I had an amazing time actually.

Anthony and I had our tiffs, but overall I'd say it actually helped us. I know it did because now i feel all the more confident in our relationship. Plus, being around Mike and Mariah the entire weekend really threw the future in our face. The conversation with them was almost always surrounding their September wedding.
Not to be creepy, but Anth has said that the person he's with when he finishes college is probably going to be the person he spends the rest of his life with. We're going strong. 1+1=2

His family is very "progressive" in that they allowed anthony and i to share a bedroom in the condo. My mother was, of course, shocked to learn this but i believe my mother to be very traditional and not very open-minded to matters such as these.

I am so very tan.

To Do (cont)

- Look into a new cell phone
- Call Diane about letter of rec. for Women's Center

anth is being a pain again. i'll have to continue this later as well...

To Do

There's a lot that needs to be done in a short amount of time and I need to write it down.
- Look into shadowing opportunities at home and in bloom
--> Get papers for shadowing e-mailed from Dr. Lowe
- Look into a futon for the apartment
- Set up utilities for August
--> Get numbers from Baily
- August's rent
--> Call Damyon about where to mail the rent
- Fill out Big Brother/ Big Sister program papers & mail
- Look into a car for school year (?)
- Call Ruby's on Sunday after three for Tobias
- Call Corner Stable on Sunday to check schedule
- anthonys balls in my jaws

obviously anthony just came in. apparently it's time for dinner. i'll be back

FINALLY

My dad won. He got the job.
He gets the official offer on monday. they'll talk money and whatever else the job entails.
We don't have to move!! (mostly a bonus for my siblings. I don't really live here all that much)
I was so happy when he told me I almost cried. It's about time something went right for this family. My poor mother can finally get out of that horrid job. Seriously, the YWCA is absolute shit. SO glad i didn't take that job this summer. Bah!

====================

I'm leaving for the beach tonight!!! I doubt I'll be able to write at all while i'm there, but i'll certainly give you the low-down when i get back. maybe even post some pictures! i am a photo-whore, truly.

I am just so ridiculously happy right now. SO happy.

<3 <3 <3

What the heck judges?

So you think you can dance - my favorite show.

Phillip and Kaitlyn? Really judges?
We FINALLY got Jeanine up there. She needed to go home!

You really dropped the ball on this one.

Ack.

Plus, I really enjoyed watching Phillip. He's really grown and he's so damn unique.
My dad called this one. That angers me too.

I said Jason and Jeanine.
I stand by the Jeanine thing. I just didn't want to see Adae and Phillip go... :(

Party Ideas

Baily and I have decided to throw more (controlled) parties this year since now we have our own place at which to do so.

Box wine party - home welcoming, duh!
Epic music party - 80's theme!
Ugly sweater party - for christmas time

-------------------------------

we also need a couch for our apartment... forgot that little detail for a minute there.

catching up continued

Okay, so I also have a job for this school year at the women's center in town. I had to jump through many a hoop for this job. i even got Dr. Surmacz to write me a letter of reccomendation for me! I mean, i really worked my ass off for this job. It's a desk job doing clerical work - my dream come true. That's not sarcasm either, i love clerical work. Yes i am a bonifide loser.

Anywho, the Women's Center is only open till 5, my last class ends at two, they're closed on weekends and they go through the work-study program.
Ruby Tuesday's shifts start at 4, go till 10ish and I would be getting a legit paycheck and tips. Ultimately making more money as well.
Downside is Ruby's is a commute. Baily agreed to let me borrow her car whenever and Anth said he'd help me out if ever i needed it.
Women's Center is about a block away from the apartment... perfectly fine walking distance.

Aye, so there is my issue. I obviously prefer Ruby's, but I can't rely on my friends like this for a ride to work and I went through so much to get the job at the women's center. I'll just have to play it by ear i suppose.

-------------------------------

Anth and I are doing great. I know i didn't write about it and that's weird for me. My relationships tend to be my life. Our six month came and went, as did his 20th birthday, hence the picture >>>
We're going to the beach with his family for the next week. Very exciting. Ocean city and we're staying in some flat his family rents every year. Sadly, anth and my bedroom comes with two twin beds... i absolutely HATE twin beds... but then again, anth said we can just push them together and sleep together anyway. It's just not the same as a double or a queen... Mike and miriah, anth's brother and his fiance are staying in a room with two queen size beds. i mean really now? haha. But they definitely have rights. I'm lucky they're taking me with them, it's going to be a lot of fun.
From what anth has told me, it's the beach all day, really good food at night and he and i every other moment. :D

Anth and I are getting serious. It's weird though, loving him just gets easier and easier.
In past relationships, it was a rush for the first 3 months (and that's pushing it), then it just dies off. I get bored, we break up and I find someone new. It sounds terrible, but that's how it's been.
The 4th of July was our 7 month!
Anth is my first long-term relationship and if you really want to talk technical, my first real relationship. I'm in the real world now, balancing everything for myself away from my parents. It's new and extremely hard.
But it's never boring. I just keep falling. It may sound cliche, but it's almost as if every day i love him more.

I have a complex about love. In the past, like with Dan, I said 'I love you' for the first time because he dropped it on me unexpectedly after a very short while. We were only together for 4, almost 5 months. Well then I kept saying 'I love you' in the hopes that it would stick. Like maybe if i said it enough times I would feel it, but i never did.
Now i'm just so paranoid that what i'm feeling now for anthony, this strange, elongated, constantly growing and deepening love is all in my head. Pseudo-love. But the more i think about it and the more i break it down, the more i realize what this really is. I love him. He has filled a void that I've had for a long time.

The best thing about anthony is that he's nothing like anyone i've ever dated. He pisses me off so bad! He's not perfect. He doesn't worship the ground i walk on like every other guy i have EVER dated. H'es arrogant and vindictive and a fairly legitimate ass hole at times.
But I love him and i love him all the more because of these faults. That's how i know this is the real deal. This is everything I want and everything I need. I love who i am when i'm with him and who i have become because of him. God I can't believe this feeling.
He could actually be the one. I think i'm terrified.

-------------------------------

So Michael Jackson died. I just thought I should mention this. I want a record of where I was. It was June 28th sometime in the early evening and Anthony and I had gone to dinner at Rosemary's. It was our first day back from our 3 day camping trip and we were desperate for real food. I looked over at the bar and they had the tv's on and it said 'Michael Jackson has died' and I didn't believe it at first because i am near-sighted and thought i might be misreading it so i asked anth to read it and the fine print beneath it. When anthony confirmed it I then asked the waitress if she had heard anything about it. Heart attack.

Seriously now

I was journaling by hand again, but with all honesty it is driving me crazy. I hate writing by hand for several reasons.
For one, i have a gnarly writers bump that drives me absolutly crazy. It's finally going away because everything is done by computer now. I wrote by hand for a week and it's already huge again!
Secondly, I don't like it not being password protected...
Finally, I have the most disgusting handwriting ever. My sister, she would stay home and practice her caligraphy while i was out galavanting. Now she has pretty handwriting and mine looks absolutely horrific.

I figure I'm already going to write all my notes by hand come this September. I don't know why i should start engorging my writers bump already. plus, everything is digital now! i can't put pictures in my journal but i can easily do so here.

-------------------------------

So you think you can dance has started again. My goodness I love that show. I would give anything to be able to dance like them. I wish i had the time to join the dance team at school. They really have an exceptional program and i would love to be a part of it. Bail's roommate was in it last year and I went with her to see the end of the year performance. Really sick.

-------------------------------

Baily and I signed the lease on apartment 10. Anthony lives in apartment 5. Ley lives in apartment 7. we're all living in the same complex! what's more is i actually got my parents to let me live off campus for my sophomore year -- and pulled it off! I'm so excited and so is Baily. I did the math and made the plans, all my parents had to do was say yes. That and fork over $300 for the deposit and first month's rent. Hey! I paid $100 of it! That's quite the achievment, what with me working my crap job at Corner Stables.

-------------------------------

I did get a job at Ruby Tuesday though. I was actually hired and they're going to train me starting on the 21 of this month. I can even transfer my employment to Bloom! It's a serving job too, finally. No one would hire me before because I didn't have experience. Quite the catch 22. But i spoke with the manager at the Ruby's in Bloom and they said they would have no problem taking me on whenever I choose to move to Bloom.

Which, hopefully will be VERY soon. I want to get up there near the begining of August.

I have other issues, but SYTYCD is on. hahahaha. quite the acronym! I'll be back is my point... not a loser, i swear.

---

i almost forgot! I decided i really want a dreamcatcher! i found one online the other day.


https://dreamcatcher.com/product.php?productid=142&cat=14&page=1

i aboslutely love all things southwestern. the use of turquoise stones, silver and natural earth tones make me so happy!

Selpata sells a lot of jewelery like that too.

I especially like this dreamcatcher because it's made with natural vines! people are so crafty. I can't even weave a bracelet...

Ideas for Anth's Birthday

Now that I am dirt-poor, I can't do what i wanted to for anth's birthday (June 4). I was planning on buying him these shoes his Psychology mentor used to wear. They're hiking boots with bungee laces - they don't come untied! I think he would love them. Salmon Exit Peak are the ones I found. The only problem is they're $70.00 and up. I simply don't have the money for them anymore... especially since my dad lost his job and I have to pay for everything next semseter. I'm not going to be able to buy anything - not even for myself. http://www.activelyyours.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?page=AY/PROD/Salomon/Salomon_Exit_Peak

SO now i have to brainstorm the less expensive options for his birthday. I want to get him something he'll really like and something he doesn't have or hasnt' been given before... the problem is he comes from a very well-to-do family and anything i get him will be nothing compared to what he's accustomed to. his ex was from a family that was even wealthier than his...

okay, here are my ideas:

1) something for his car - his dad is going to buy him a 2008 mazda h6 tomorrow. brand new car. I'm thinking if i give him something for it, like something to hang from his rear-view mirror or... something... he'd appreciate it and it wouldn't be too expensive for me.

2) something tye-dye - he's a stoner-ish kinda guy. but then again, he already has a LOT of tye-dye and I want to get him something original... but if he already has a lot of it, i know he likes it.

3) Subscription to scientific weekly or something like that.... - he really likes that magazine. it's a mind trip for him and i think he'd like it. my only issue with that is he lives in an apt in bloom... i don't know which apt he's going to get for summer session or if the magazine will even get to him. his mail boxes are sketchy.

my mother said to make him a shirt... que pasa?

i don't know what to do. HELP!

ohthankgod

FINISHED with finals.
I have survived my first year of college.
And I did it WELL.

I got an A for the year in Bio. Scurmacz is really fast about posting grades. I don't think I could be happier. haha.

Still waiting on Chem, Art and Soc grades...

I'm scheduled for clinical observation for next semester... the prerequisites are having 60 credits, being a junior and being a speech path major. All of which I am not/ do not have. My advisor sees no problem with this, so I'm not going to either. It'll be nice to have people assuming I'm a junior. hahaha.

I don't want this to end

Not finals, necessarily. Those are actually rather horrific.

I wish that i could stay here, in bloom, with anthony and baily for the entire year. I don't want to go home. I don't want to go a day without seeing them. I love them both and I have never been happier than i've been in the last 9 months.
I have the most wonderful best friends a girl can ask for - one of them is even my boyfriend. I feel so entirely blessed.

The fact that i have to say goodbye to them in 2 days is tearing me apart.
Finals don't stress me out. Knowing i'll have to leave the ones i love, even for just 4 months, is killing me.

planplanplan.

shit storm

- it's finals week therefore i am contimplating suicide every 10-15 minutes.
- i need to find a fix for ocean hair because otherwise i'm going to look ridiculous at the beach.
- i have to pay $20 to replace my ID because it's not wear-and-tear if it is dammaged vertically, only horrizontally. (suuuuch bullshit)
- i don't have $20.
- my black Gap flip flops that i've had for 2 years broke on my way out of the dorm. This is after they broke FIRST semester and anth fixed that flip flop - now it's counterpart broke in the same fashion.
- i really need to lose weight for summer. i have a pouch and it's pissing me off.

Music

Enya

music

Christina Aguilera

music

taylor swift

well i have to do SOMETHING with my life

Well why not speech pathology? They make bank, i'm certainly smart enough. I just talked to them today and it looks like that's my new career path. yay?

I was torn between 4 degrees. Here are the sallaries -
RN:
Employment services $64,260
General medical and surgical hospitals 58,550
Home health care services 54,190
Offices of physicians 53,800
Nursing care facilities 52,490

Occupational Therapy:
Home health care services $67,600
Nursing care facilities 64,750
Offices of physical, occupational and speech therapists, and audiologists 62,290
General medical and surgical hospitals 61,610
Elementary and secondary schools 54,260

Physical Therapy:
Home health care services $67,600
Nursing care facilities 64,750
Offices of physical, occupational and speech therapists, and audiologists 62,290
General medical and surgical hospitals 61,610
Elementary and secondary schools 54,260

Speech Therapy:
Nursing care facilities $70,180
Offices of other health practitioners 63,240
General medical and surgical hospitals 61,970
Elementary and secondary schools 53,110


Now do you understand? All, with the exception of nursing, require 1-2 years graduate school BUT speech pathologists can be reimbursed for their education AND they have excellent job prospects. I've decided.

Is it something i've always DREAMED of being? no, not in the least bit. But the schooling is easier than anything i've had to deal with thus far and the major offers flexibility and a long-term job. That's what i want, that's what i'll do to get there.
my reasons might be wrong, but my heart is in the right place. that's what matters - right? well i'm thinking long-term and in my opinion, that's what i need to do. it doesn't matter.

besides, i get to work with people - help them. That's what i want. i had a speech pathologist working with me when i was little. i can appreciate the career.

it's funny because i don't really care what i do as a job. as long as i enjoy it and as long as it makes a decent amount of money i don't care. my master status is being a mother. as long as whatever career i choose can support me until i am able to get married and have children, i don't care what it is. i plan on being a stay at home mother until my children enter kindergarten. i don't want to miss a minute of their lives. mild psychosis?


ps. music - carrie underwood

beejesus

two things:
one) i almost poured vodka in my ramen noodles
- i just googled how to make ramen noodles in the microwave (yes i'm that challenged) and the instructions said to add water to a bowl. well, i have about 10 water bottles and one water bottle of vodka in my fridge. lo and behold, i grab the vodka bottle. i smelled it first so i stopped myself. thank god. what a waste of ramen that would have been!
two) i decided to use water fountain water ANYWAY so i was filling my water bottle at the water fountain and it made me really have to pee so i ended up doing that cross-legged hop n' bop at the water fountain until the bottle was full. i'm so lazy sometimes...

for those who are also challenged, here's how you make ramen in the microwave:

1. Break the Ramen noodles while the bag is still sealed or leave it in a block to have long noodles.
2. Put the noodles into a bowl. Fill the bowl with water until the water reaches just to the top of the noodles
3. Microwave it for four minutes.
4. After the microwave beeps, don't take it out! You'll burn yourself. Just let it sit for three minutes in the closed microwave. If you must take the noodles out immediately use oven mitts or some other heat protection.
5. Take the noodles out and pour in the flavor packet (if included). Stir noodles until flavoring dissolves.
6. Add any items that you want of your choice.

music

the last goodnight
guns n roses

music

Lady Gaga
Linkin Park
Of Montreal

Jeux D'enfants

Just finished it with english subtitles.

I adore foreign films.
Seriously.

dreams and anxiety

over the last week or so i've been having incredibly vivid dreams and when i wake up i feel fantastic, but sad because i had to leave that dream - even if i can't remember it.

i've also been having really bad anxiety over the same time period throughout the day.

i don't know if they're related but i'd like to know what's going on here.

hot water

for some unknown reason, i cannot get hot water in my dorm shower unless 2 or more of the showers are running.
i've gotten into the habit of turning on two and using one.

cold showers are terrible.
luke-warm showers are worse.

frustration

my stupid mouth.

we were talking and having a good time
then i mentioned that one time
and then he wasn't there anymore.

i'm so frustrated with myself.
i'm actually more than just frustrated.
i'm pissed.

i shouldn't have mentioned it
but he can talk about his past all he wants?

i wanted to spend time with him.
i feel like our days are numbered because of finals next week and summer after that. i'm not going to see him very much
he finally gave me the opportunity to spend just a little time with him today but because i didn't shut my stupid mouth he went to his apartment instead.

that is why i'm frustrated.
because i couldn't watch my words

fml?

love

dictionary.com:
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

urbandictionary.com:
nature's way of tricking people into reproducing

Sophocles:
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.

Other:
The most spectacular,indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone.

Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you're in love, you always want to be together, and when you're not, you're thinking about being together because you need that person and without them your life is incomplete.

This love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions: completely loving someone. It's when you trust the other with your life and when you would do anything for each other. When you love someone you want nothing more than for them to be truly happy no matter what it takes because that's how much you care about them and because their needs come before your own. You hide nothing of yourself and can tell the other anything because you know they accept you just the way you are and vice versa.

It's when they're the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and when they're the first thing you think of when you wake up, the feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of serenity. Love involves wanting to show your affection and/or devotion to each other. It's the smile on your face you get when you're thinking about them and miss them.

Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be better in the end. Love is intense,and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more wonderful when you're in love. If you find it, don't let it go.

music

rihanna

block party and then some

it was fun.
i understand now.

i feel really bad. anth isn't doing so hott in bio and i am - for lack of better phrase.
i don't know how to approach it. he tells me he got a D on the last test, and i don't know what to say. he doesn't want my pity and he doesn't want my help - it was the last exam before finals.
i really hope he doesn't attribute his grade to me. i really want him to do well. i would never do anything to inhibit him.

fallen so hard.

ms walk wasn't bad either.

i'm a bit burned from everything.
oh summer lovin.

whore moan

I keep wanting to break down
I'm hoping it's just the hormones from the period i'm supposed to be having right now - but for some reason am not.

I'm so stressed. Between hoping to God i can get into the nursing program, trying my hardest to get a B in Chem and managing my urge to get the hell out of here, I'm going crazy.

I am having a really hard time with all of this.

Block Party is this sat. it should be fun.
I don't really understand what all the hype is about. I suppose being allowed to drink outside is a big deal...?
I still have to buy a stupid wrist band so the cops don't give me an underage. I don't even plan on drinking very much anyway.
I have so much work to do and the MS walk on Sunday at 12. I can't afford to be hung over.

Note to self: Call PetCo and Giant about summer work... I keep procrastinating on it and if i don't jump someone is going to beat me to it. lkdsjfasldkjf

music

natasha beddingfield
lupe fiasco
---------------------------------------
i wish people would stop leaving the bathroom door propped open. it's getting annoying. i don't know why anyone would even want it open, it's a public bathroom.
most likely product of the idiot women on my floor.
---------------------------------------
i've fallen

save tonight

stressed! so stressed!
i really hope i don't have to drop out of school!
i really wish i was more conscious!

2 completely unrelated concerns

music

rihanna
maroon 5
98 degrees

regrets

- dating danny lindsey
- my previous desperation
- paying my $200 deposit for a dorm next year
- not sticking with nursing as my major
- every time i yelled at my mother
- being a terrible role model
- screwing over my job at JoAnn Fabrics
- eating so much candy

Baby Baby Baby

when all your love is gone who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world?
----------------------------------------------------
i'm really irritated with the world and the way things work.Marx may have actually had a point.
----------------------------------------------------
i'm coming down from a really unnatural sugar high
----------------------------------------------------
i don't think my CA likes me very much. then again, that's really not my problem. at least i still have my microwave.
----------------------------------------------------
maybe maybe maybe you'll find something that's enough to keep you.

other

Cotton candy is my favorite jelly bean
----------------------------------------------------
Things Anthony won't want to do:
SnowboardingCampingRent a boat
----------------------------------------------------
I am procrastinating so badly tonight
----------------------------------------------------
College pizza sauce is very gross
----------------------------------------------------
I wish I could have stayed at anth's house a bit longer
----------------------------------------------------
Block party is this weekend.I'm not nearly as excited as I should be.
----------------------------------------------------
I'm terrified of the future.

Thoughts

I need:
Brittany Spears
From First to Last
Mat Kearney (again)
--------------------------------------------------------------
Things Anthony won't want to do:
Zoo
Baltimore
Picnic
--------------------------------------------------------------
Possbile Careers:
Nurse
Occupational Therapist
Physician Assistant
--------------------------------------------------------------
Ways to make money while at school:
-
Work at women's shelter
Work at health center
-
--------------------------------------------------------------
Places I've applied to in York:
YWCA summer camp
PetCo
Giant
Wisehaven
Heritage Hills
--------------------------------------------------------------
What I would do if I had to drop out of college:
Work in York for a bit until my dad gets a new job.
--------------------------------------------------------------
What I would do if he didn't get a job within a year:
Talk to hospitals and see if I can get sponsorship to go to school to be an RN.
--------------------------------------------------------------
If that doesn't work:
Move and work until I am able to go back to school.
Absolutely will not live at home for more than a year...
--------------------------------------------------------------
Things I don't want to do:
Smoke cigarettes
Gain weight
Work in the food industry
--------------------------------------------------------------
Things I would love to do:
Go to Colorado
Go to the beach
Be a rock star
Be an actress
Be a makeup artist
Be the owner of an Art Gallery
Work at the cookie place in the mall